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Aphex Twin - Avril 14th

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I’ve always been kind of a loner. I can remember the 7 year old me answering to my mom’s question of “how was your day at school” with: “I just wandered around the courtyard by myself”. I always had trouble getting  into other’s games or groups (a trait I still have). When I was 5 or 6, my best friend at the time beat me because his father told him to. I was bullied at school from 9 to 11, just at the age when my parents separated, I stopped going out to play and lost the only friends I had in that time. At 11 someone spitted on my back while making fun of me. I did nothing. We were on the same car and I just hold it until I got home.

I got fat for a couple of years until I was 14. I kissed a girl for the first time on that summer, at the beach. I tried to contact her afterwards for some months to no avail, I still remember her name (and I think I still have a picture of her, 3, actually). At 15 I, again, lost all my friends (they left school or got kicked out). I also got my first electric guitar around this time. At 16 I kinda had something with a girl, but one day we just stopped talking and that was it. It didn’t help that I studied for 12 years in a school for men only.

I met some of my my best friends when I was 17, I was playing guitar outside and some of them approached. When I finished school I cried, not out of sadness, but relief. I said “finally”. My mom didn’t let my dad sit on his place for my graduation ceremony. He just waited in the back, behind everybody. When my mom hugged me I felt nothing. When I hugged my dad I bursted into tears. As that year ended, I met my first girlfriend while on our class trip. We talked for a while and when I had to leave I was gonna hug her but she kissed me instead. We were together for almost 4 years. It didn’t end well.

I got into college to be a music teacher, but didn’t like the idea of having to deal with children so I got out. I tried to study music a couple of years but I couldn’t afford it even when I was working at the same time. I don’t think I remember anything happening in 2007. in 2008 I started going out with my second girlfriend. I never felt “alright” around her, I guess. I studied sound tech and aced at everything, not that it was hard though.

At the end of 2010 I began to feel weak. I couldn’t get out of bed, my whole body ached, I was always tired. January 2011, I got my first panic attack while I was having dinner at my house. This degraded my relationship with my second girlfriend and we broke up (actually, “I” broke up, I wanted to deal with things on my own. I didn’t want to be a burden for her as her own mother was burden enough). Some months after, I was diagnosed with clinical hypothyroidism, doctor said she was surprised to see me standing up, I was really fucked up. Treatment looked promising, I finally knew what I had so I called her and said “everything’s gonna be alright, I can fix myself, we can try again”, but for some reason she laughed at me (literally) and said no, we lasted all in all, two years. I began treatment just as I started working at sound post-production for film and TV. I got better, but I guess my heart and mind still haven’t.

I’m still trying to be what I want to be. Each time that it seems I’ve achieved something, it doesn’t feel right. I’m writing music now, so I guess it’s a step in the right direction. Moving thresholds. I’ve changed, at least, I guess. Thanks for reading (or not).

Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.

Oceansize - Superfluous to Requirements

left lying but I was still shaking
came out but I was broken, I bask in the sunshine
but I’m tied to the machine, and got stuck in a difficult scene

is it all you ever needed, all you could ever want?

oh waiter, waiter make that call, I miss a queue what calls her forward
as a secret band plays on I’m pleased as always, pleased
oh danger, danger cause of fall, I never claimed I knew it all
I start to wonder what went wrong and I wonder what I could’ve done
my heart amounts to 50 tonnes and pulls me under, pulls me under
pulls me under, pulls me under

(breathe it, breathe it)
pleased as always you’ll bring it far too near
(breathe it, breathe it)
it’s just like this was never meant to be
yeah I can recollect but I’m pleased as always and feel for you my dear
and please just say it: I’m not missing you but all will become clear
who do you run to? and who do you run to?

oh I try to find the words to say but I always stumble, always delayed
I’ve lost myself, I’ve lost my way, i’ll pull you under, pull you under

(breathe it, breathe it)
pleased as always you’ll bring it far too near
(breathe it, breathe it)
it’s just like this was never meant to be
yeah I can recollect but I’m pleased as always and feel for you my dear
and please just say it, I’m not missing you and all will become clear
and who do you run to?
clear, and who do you run to? 

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3rd time. 

Karnivool - Change (part 2)

(..) I know this will burn you
So I become a fire, these days will change us all

Don’t you feel the same?
Don’t we fear the same things?
Don’t we feel the same?

Don’t you fear at all?

Lately,
Maybe the damage has been done
As we float away like embers
Beneath us, the fire, still, it burns
And I don’t, I don’t know why
Question who we are and then we die
I guess, I’ll see you when it ends
I’ll see you ‘round the bend
My sober sorry friend (..)

Tori Amos - Black Dove


She was a january girl
She never let on how insane it was
In that tiny kinda scary house
By the woods

Black-dove
You’re not a helicopter
You’re not a cop out either
Black-dove
You don’t need a space ship
They don’t know you’ve already lived
On the other side of the galaxy
The other side of the galaxy

She had a january world
So many storms not right somehow
How a lion becomes a mouse
By the woods
But I have to get to TEXAS
Said I have to get to TEXAS
And I’ll give away my blue blue dress

Black-dove
You don’t need a space ship
They don’t know you’ve already lived
On the other side of the galaxy
The other side of the galaxy

But I have to get to TEXAS
Said I have to get to TEXAS
And I’ll give away my blue blue dress

She has a january girl
She never let on how insane it was
In that tiny kinda scary house
By the woods
Black-dove

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